A Possible Breakthrough in Explaining the Jackie Effect

DATE: September 20, 2012

Jackie Evancho appears to exert an invisible force on positively charged people, what scientists have begun to call “the Jackie Effect”. Negatively charged people are untouched by Jackie’s singing. The power to resist Jackie is a weird phenomenon scientists call “the Lebrecht Effect”. The Jackie Effect and the Lebrecht Effect are currently being investigated by a group of otherwise unemployed scientists who recently won a sizeable private grant for just that purpose (rumors put the grant in the low three figures). It appears that a little-known engineer from Stratton, Nebraska may have beaten them to the punch.

On September 20 (today in fact), with no fanfare HITURBINE, a bearded, cowboy hat wear’n, ladies’ man (so we’re told), dropped onto the Internet a highly original paper that scientists say may well explain the Jackie Effect.

The paper, encompassing less than a single page and forty minutes of effort, claims to solve one side of this important problem in acoustical physics, the Jackie Effect. Since publishing his paper earlier this afternoon, Hiturbine has kept quiet. Others have not.

“I hope it’s right,” said HoHum, a mathematician at the University of Flyblow in Oxford, Mississippi, and PoohPoohang University of Science and Technology in the no-go zone between North and South Korea. “It would be a fantastic breakthrough.”

What is even more fascinating is that Hiturbine has devised a whole new field of study, pre-teen vocal mechanics, just to tackle this problem.

The abstract ideas and notations that pre-teen vocal mechanics manipulate are unfathomable to most people. Hiturbine’s new language of mechanics is incomprehensible even to genuinely intelligent engineers and physicists.

“He’s taking what we know about young singers and physics and has really taken them apart and then tried to shove them together, something no one has ever wanted to do before,” Dr. HoHum said. “He has created a whole new language — you could say a whole new universe of physical objects — in order to say something, anything, about Jackie Evancho that hasn’t already been said.”

Ms Take (pronounced tak, -key), an otherwise humorless University of Hullabaloo mathematician who writes a mathematics blog, O Come All Ye Slide Rules, said, “At first glance, it feels like you’re reading something from outer space.”

Some wonder whether the accolades are coming too soon. We at Best of Jackie on the Web really hope not. After Jackie, Angel or Alien?–You Decide our reputation for scientific literacy took a hit. Thank you, Hiturbine for letting us print all these words. Your check is in the mail.


Evangel Theory postulates that there is a “single unitive force” in the universe, from which all other forces and particles emanate — this is termed the Jackie Effect

It was first observed in the “amazingly” complex nucleus of the newly discovered element — Fantabuloso — which broke away from the unstable molecule, “AGT,” and about which, sub-particles — fanitrons — orbit at varying distances and speeds.

Fantabuloso possesses an unusually high affinity for every other element in the known universe; thus it is very reactive — and particularly so with carbon-based lifeforms.  The Jackie Effect tends to “strip away” fanitrons from other less energetic elements … so Fantabuloso works to achieve “critical mass” … but “evanchoists” have yet to postulate what will occur at that point.

We do know that fanitrons readily interact with Fantabuloso, as these particles attempt to decrease their distance to the nucleus, while affecting forces of attraction and repulsion between “charged” fanitrons …

However, the counterbalance to this attraction is the Evancho Force, a very strong “field” within the Fantabuloso nucleus, which is produced by the Mike-E boson. The Evancho Force prevents fanitrons from colliding with the Fantabuloso nucleus, and perturbing the balance of forces generated by the Jackie Effect.

There is also a second force at work in conjunction with the Mike-E boson field … the Lisa particle, which tends to mitigate to some extent the repulsive force of the Mike-E boson … However, the Lisa particle is very difficult to see, due to its clandestine nature; but Evangel Theory predicts that it must be present somewhere within the Fantabuloso nucleus! …

Evangel Theory also states that Jackie can never be observed in any one place in space-time, since she moves at the speed of light — and appears to be everywhere all at once!  Hence we can only observe the Jackie cloud …

Some have speculated that, if the Fantabuloso were to achieve “critical mass,” then a “Jackularity” would form — a single point of fanitrons having relatively infinite mass — that actually warps the “fabric” of space time.  The distortion created by this Jackularity, would produce an apparent Evancho Field of perfectly phased Jackie Waves. So powerful are these “waves” that no object or particle could be capable of escaping their effect — and, once an entity moved across the Jackie Event Horizon, that entity would become forever part of the Jackularity!  However, it is also postulated that this single point of energy would, in time, “explode” in an unfathomable release of pure Jackie energy (E=jefc^2) … The “Big Bang!”

It is further theorized that this “Big Bang” would form a new and splendid universe, where the sound of the erupting Jackie Waves will be heard everywhere — and this remnant sound is refered to as Background Evanchoation. It is the “echo” created by “billions and billions and billions” of Fantabuloso particles, speeding outwards in all directions through space time … and thus the Jackie Effect is self perpetuating!

The theory is still being developed … and we will update you as more details emerge from this new and exciting field.

*For this introduction we acknowledge a debt to a recent New York Times article.

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9 thoughts on “A Possible Breakthrough in Explaining the Jackie Effect

  1. It’s a pity you don’t have a donate button! I’d most certainly donate to this outstanding blog! I suppose for now i’ll settle for book-marking and adding your RSS feed to
    my Google account. I look forward to brand new updates and will talk about this website with my Facebook group.
    Chat soon!

  2. I positively LOVE this page; it’s been the source of much mirth.

    However, we have to acknowledge a changing world. It’s true that when he first began mentioning Jackie, Norman Lebrecht’s Slipped Disc site was pretty negative about her. Some of his readers were relentlessly, almost irrationally critical. To his credit, though, Lebrecht himself maintained an open mind, & in his latest post about her, he’s shown a complete turnaround.
    I hope URLs come out OK here:


    In commenting about Kojo No Tsuki (Moon over Castle Ruins), Lebrecht actually says “To our ears, the singing is close to flawless”! Astounding.

    So it appears that Jackie is so good, she’s beginning to win over even an “old sourpuss” like Lebrecht.

  3. I love it! Lol! I believe it is true! As negative people are surviving more toward down and under, they are the only oness that are not effected. However, with Jackie’s presence and singing long enough they will be won over. I think Jackie may even be able to revive the dead!

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